English Lesson #5: The English Patient

So it turns out that Jen just missed the dog. All the nausea, sickness, misery—she missed the dog.

OK, maybe it was a little more than that.

The roundabouts were making her dizzy. She felt that staying here any longer would get her nowhere. It would be like going in circles, as it were.

It also might have had something to do with the lack of ice. It wasn’t just the hospitals, getting ice in restaurants and hotels was equally as challenging, and when you did manage to get something “ice cold”, it contained exactly three cubes. Every time, exactly three. It was uncanny.

In fairness, there was also the street signage. There is none. I think she was tired of not knowing where she was.

Maybe it was the police. You know they STILL don’t carry guns? I saw a female officer at Tesco, the local supermarket, who was built like Calista Flockhart and walked like a Barbie doll in her Kevlar vest and utility belt. If she responded to my call for distress, I would not be at ease. I think Jen just didn’t feel safe.

Although, that couldn’t have been it either, it’s hard not to feel safe with all the cameras in this country. Of course, if you’re not into that Big Brother thing— I read an article that said the average British citizen is captured on camera over a hundred times a day. They can electronically track a car traveling through the country using special computer software that automatically reads license plate numbers from traffic cameras (but they can’t make ice, go figure). I guess maybe Jen was tired of smiling for the camera.

Of course, watching people smiling on camera isn’t bad. Who doesn’t like television? I bet the people that only get five channels and have to pay an annual license fee of $300 to watch them probably don’t.

Wait, I’ve got it. I figured it out. For those of you that aren’t aware, Jen is somewhat obsessive compulsive when it comes to laundry. If she doesn’t do a load every day she just doesn’t feel the day is complete. At home I popped for the fancy front-load model washer because I knew I’d save more money in water over the long run. It must be the laundry machines here, they’re super tiny, located in the kitchen, and double as dryers. As if that weren’t bad enough, they don’t even work that well. Even with only a couple items it takes hours to wash and dry. I think clotheslines were probably invented here.

Despite all those lovely reasons to love this country, it was most likely the two nights she spent this week in the hospital that sent her packing. After the ultrasound last week, she did OK for a few days, not great, but OK. As the weekend approached things began deteriorating. We actually made it out to see a sight on Saturday, Arundel Castle (it came highly recommended from our newfound hospital friends). We hoped it would be the bout of fresh air and distraction that Jen needed to turn this thing around.

Outside, the castle’s edifice is very impressive looking. It’s not much aesthetically, but it is massive. The castle was originally built in the 11^th century, although was renovated about 100 years ago to look the way it does today. It continues to be the primary seat for the Duke of Norfolk and his family.

We made it through the main castle and were about to visit the Keep when Jen began to nose dive. It was time to leave. We high-tailed it back to the flat but the black spin had already begun. By Monday morning she was throwing up every fifteen minutes and actually asked to be taken back to the hospital. That’s never good.

This time her condition was much worse. They ran fluids through her all day long and she still wasn’t responding. When Tuesday morning rolled around she was finally starting to feel better but the doctor (who I swear was only 15) was already planning to keep her another day. Jen, missing the dog and tired of roundabouts, no ice, poor signage, wimpy police, excessive cameras and crappy laundry, asked me to book her on the next flight home. Thursday morning she left for the land of big washing machines, which means I will no longer be making payments on the parking lot I put a down-payment on, conveniently located across the street from the hospital. I’ll never understand why in what is invariably a time of pain and suffering hospitals feel that it’s appropriate to stick it to you one more time by charging you to park.

I know what you all are thinking. You want to know if the whole parking lot thing is turning out to be a good investment. Well let me tell you, it worked out so well at the hospitals, I decide to branch out and dabble a little in airports. Although I’ve been to Heathrow airport twice now, Thursday morning was my first time actually driving through the airport terminals. I thought I remembered being one of the first stops on the rental car shuttle last time, so as we approached terminal one I turned into the first parking lot I saw. I took the ticket, drove through the gate arm, and had no problem finding a parking space. It was too good to be true.

It might be worth mentioning at this point that Jen didn’t quite make it all the way to the airport “without incident”. Thankfully we snagged a few disposable sick containers from the hospital on our last visit. With that in mind, finding a parking spot was easy. Finding a trash can proved to be a challenge. There were no trash cans to be seen on the level we were on, but there were restrooms one level below. We rode the lift down and disposed of our waste. We also discovered that United flies out of terminal three. Great. Finding the pay station for my parking fee was harder than finding the restroom. The sign said it was on level two but I couldn’t find it. Did I mention the poor state of signage in this country? Growing increasingly frustrated, I asked someone who was heading back to their car where the pay station was located. The damn thing was inside the terminal. This was insult to injury. I now had to walk 50 yards across the pedestrian bridge to pay $5 to park in a parking lot I didn’t even want to be in.

It was an excruciating (and expensive) experience, but I finally got to the right terminal. Jen checked in for her flight just fine and arrived safely Thursday afternoon in sunny California and will spend the next two months with her parents—and the dog.