Sunday, July 22, 2007

English Lesson #3: Summer Is A Relative Term

Note: This TRS Update was written Sunday, July 22nd and not immediately posted due to lack of an Internet connection in the flat. While we're on the topic, there's a lack of phone service too.

It figures that we would be in England during the first summer in years that is, as one local described it to me, “absolute shit”. When I first came to Europe during the summer of 2003 to work at the camp in Switzerland, I remember distinctly my uncle laughing at me when I packed my heavy trench coat. When I arrived in Lugano that summer, it was by local accounts one of the more sweltering, steamy summers. I suppose it was God’s way of foreshadowing my move to San Antonio where our summers are nothing if not sweltering and steamy. Last year our Mediterranean cruise was quite similar, although the humidity was not nearly as oppressive as in 2003 and by San Antonio standards it was downright ‘lovely’. I brought this range of summer European experiences with me to England on my first visit just over a month ago and nearly froze my ass off. Coming back, my heavy Newport trench coat was the first item in the suitcase, followed immediately by my $30 umbrella (which I suppose is another story). On Friday, parts of England received more rain in a few minutes than they typically receive in an entire month. Anyone from Texas knows that those kinds of statistics are the makings of flash floods, closed roads, helicopter rescues, and catch-phrases for the media (i.e., “Flood Watch 2007”). Anyone from California knows they are jealous, where it seems just taking a hot shower these days is enough to start a forest fire. I suppose it’s all in the name of global warming, something the folks over here have told me they are looking forward to, especially as we start the “silly season” when the kids are out of school and the work force drops off the face of the earth.

Between jet lag, the weather, and the transient nature of our living arrangement, it has been tough to really do much in the way of sightseeing. Last Saturday the travel gods smiled down upon us briefly and the stormy weather let up just long enough for us to get out of the hotel and do a little exploring. Portchester Castle is one of the closest points of interest and since it is visible from our flat we thought it would be prudent to go check it out. The castle, which is now in ruins, was once a pivotal defensive post for England in the fight against the French during the Hundred Years War. Hearing the story of the castle through our audio guide, it reminded me how little I really know about British history, and I won’t showcase my ignorance by trying to recount for you what we heard, you’ll have to take the tour for yourself or at the very least Google it. After our castle adventure, I took Jen down to Portsmouth Harbor and showed her where the Historic Dockyards are, Spinnaker Tower, and Gunwharf Quays (the giant outdoor mall). I also pointed out the infamous car park that closes at 6PM. We did not park there.

Hopefully over the next couple of weekends we’ll be able to go back and properly tour the area, weather permitting, though this weekend was certainly not permitting. As I mentioned, Friday was a big day for rain, floods, and staying put. Saturday was a big day for us because we finally moved into our flat. That was more or less the weekend highlights. Due to circumstance, the past two weeks have been more a study in cultural immersion than tourism. We are dying to get to London (I can’t wait to ride the Tube), find some more castles, see Stonehenge, visit the Isle of Wight…there is no shortage of things to see and do in England during the summer, weather permitting.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

English Lesson #2: Getting There

I don't know where the last two weeks went, but already I find myself back in England. We (this time I brought my wife) have been here almost a week already and it turns out that, as clichés go, "getting there" is less than half the battle and the moron who called Chicago that toddling town can kiss my ass. Chicago is that pansy-ass town that closes the airport whenever someone sneezes. I will admit that in this case it was a real heavy quick-grab-a-tissue-sneeze complete with thunder and lightning, but still, this is the 21st century, I thought that blizzards and terrorist attacks were the only real show stoppers these days.

I chose Chicago as our route to London because I figured this time of year our odds of delays were greater on the East Coast. This is hurricane season and I hate Washington Dulles airport. I don't know why, I just do. Chicago--that toddling town--seemed so much more romantic. We were doing well at the beginning of the day, which began last Monday. The bags were packed, the house locked down, and nobody cried as we left for the airport. We were only about an hour and a half early for our flight, which as you should know by now, for my wife, that's a feat in and of itself. Everything was going smoothly until we began our descent into the Chicago area. Jen was the first to notice that we seemed to be flying in circles. Then came the announcement from the flight deck that we were in a holding pattern. The captain said there was weather moving through Chicago and he expected to fly in circles at least for half an hour. I ordered another drink. No sooner had I started sipping it the captain came on and said we would be landing shortly. The tricky bastard made me gulp my drink and didn't bother telling us until we were on the ground that we had landed 60 miles east of our intended destination in South Bend, Indiana. Did he think I wouldn't notice? It's not even in the same time zone. I had to reset my watch.

We disembarked the aircraft in a tiny little satellite terminal with no bar or restaurant. By the way, it is worth noting here that we disembarked the aircraft. We did not de-plane. De-plane is not a word. It is the phrase a short man with an accent used to use when he was trying to say "the plane". When we got on the plane, the flight attendant did not say "now planing", he said "now boarding". When one goes on a cruise, do you de-boat? Of course not, you disembark. Why suddenly does the airline industry seem to think de-plane is a word, let alone a verb?

We disembarked the aircraft and sat in this sorry excuse for a terminal for about two hours. Our flight to London was due to take off at 6:30PM. When we finally made the short trek from South Bend to O'Hare, we landed at almost exactly 6:30. Sure enough, our London flight took off without us. Amazing how our flight couldn't fly in but the London flight was able to fly out right on time. United was kind enough to automatically book us on the next flight out...the next flight with seats available. We were now on the 4:11 flight the next afternoon (Tuesday). As airlines are not responsible for weather delays--wait, let me start again. As airlines are not responsible, we found our own hotel about ten miles from the airport. Lodging however was not our biggest inconvenience. The $50 cab ride to the hotel wasn't all that bad either, after all, this is a business trip, I'm not paying. The ride back to the airport by the way was $25--I guess the airport cab driver toddled a bit on his way to the hotel. The main problem was that what should have been a 24 hour trip in the same clothes was now a 48 hour trip in the same clothes. My wife was not happy and, for heaven's sake, why can't those little "[dis]courtesy kits" the airlines give you include a small container of contact lens solution? By the next morning, my eyes were burning.

For round two we got to the airport four and a half hours early. We certainly didn't want to miss our flight again. By 4:11 we were on board, the door was closed and we were ready to go. The cool thing about flying on United is that they make communication with air traffic control available to listen to on channel nine. I've heard some pretty amusing stuff listening to those folks. As 4:11 quickly became a distant memory we heard our pilot ask the ground controllers if we could push back from the gate. There were a couple of rather large airplanes behind us waiting to taxi and we were blocked in. A little more prodding from our captain and the planes to our rear were finally moved and we were happily on our way to nowhere. At the same time, all northbound and westbound traffic out of the airport was grounded. Someone was again about to sneeze. The controllers routed our plane along a maintenance route, told us to get in line and shut down the engines, we weren't going anywhere fast.

Three hours later we were leveled off at our cruising altitude and getting ready for dinner. The in-flight entertainment was about to begin and Jen and I were both looking forward to taking in a movie, eating some food, and trying to get some sleep. Jen's screen did not work. This was quickly becoming the trip from hell. Early the next morning the purser gave her a form to fill out and assured her that someone would be contacting her. At this point, jet-lagged and exhausted from the trip, we just wanted to get somewhere. We disembarked the aircraft at Heathrow and walked about a mile and a half to customs.

My assignment in the UK is for three months and one of the reasons for returning to the U.S. after the last trip was to allow some time for the appropriate work permit documentation to be acquired. I was not anticipating any problems with customs. It took about five minutes for the customs officer to read my permit, ask me a few questions, find the proper stamps, and send me on my way. As I left the desk, Jen was still getting the third degree. Why are you staying so long? Where are you living? What do you do? Who is financially supporting you? I know Jen looks suspicious, but come on people, you drive on the wrong side of the road, who would actually want to stay longer than they have to?

By the time we got ourselves and our seven bags to the rental car facility neither one of us had much of a good mood left. The consolation in the back of my mind is that at least we were finally “there”, and getting there is always half the battle. In a couple of days we’d be replenished and refreshed, recovered from jet-lag and sitting pretty and comfortable in our new flat. Not quite. Getting there was just the beginning.

The first bit of news was that my credit card was over the limit so the car rental company could not verify sufficient funds to cover the three month rental. Apparently my previous expense reports had not yet been paid and all those business class airfare tickets were adding up.

Next it was our flat. We expected to be in a hotel for the first couple of days until we could arrive, get settled, and get the key to our new place. As it happened, our new place had some maintenance issues that wouldn't be fixed until the following weekend. Four nights in a hotel suddenly turned into ten nights.

I had confidence at least in the hotel I chose. Last time I stayed at the Marriott for the first week and then the Holiday Inn for the second week. Surprisingly the Holiday Inn was leaps and bounds ahead of the Marriott. This time we were not so lucky. Our sink didn’t drain, the air conditioning worked when it felt like it (I think it was haunted), there was no refrigerator, no complimentary water and chocolate bar and the bed was lumpy and hard. Four days I could have dealt with, ten was going to require a change of venue.

So the moral of this English Lesson is this: getting there is not necessarily half the battle. This afternoon we switched hotels. The air conditioning works, the sink drains (we’re very excited about that) and there’s a refrigerator with complimentary water and milk (for tea of course). So far so good and, with any luck, by next weekend the battle will finally be over and we’ll be there...wherever the hell that is.

Cheers.